Struggles as a Mom

You commonly read that mothers tend to feel guilty and struggle more (than fathers). I guess it is fair to say that my heart does not tug as hard as compared to hubby when it comes to our children. However, that does not mean I love them less. It is humbling and sad when I see my kids choosing to go to their father instead of me when they see both of us together, or they rejoiced and ran towards the door upon seeing daddy returned home, whereas for mummy, it was a mere look that suggested acknowledgement from where they were playing. I guess perhaps I have not been as participative in their basic caregiving and spending time with them. Given that I am more task-oriented, I tend to take on the cleaning aspects while I let hubby take on tasks like showering the kids. There had been times I told hubby that I want to shower the kids but more often than not, after the bath, I ended up having to do double work i.e. clean up the kids' dinner aftermath, as hubby had unintentionally left some dirt unclean. Thankfully, an opportunity arose for me to build up my intimacy with my son. It came in the guise of a bad news – my boy is required to attend extra classes due to his slow development. A senior pediatrician from a local children hospital has recommended early intervention classes for him. I agree that intervention is more effective at this age. He is already 3 years old. Upon attaining 5 or 6 years of age, children's brains are quite formed and developed, which means it will be a lot harder (and late) for them to acquire new learning and catch up (on developments they should had attained when they were younger). Yes, it does require some sacrifices. Though I may not enjoy my current job scope as much as my previous ones (which were more 'adventurous'), I thank God that I get to work part-time so that I can have some sanity while balancing work with household demands. However, I have opted for an early intervention programme which will require my presence during my son's classes. Being with him will make a difference for him. I will also get to learn the useful tips, as well as impart the lessons to hubby when back home. My participation will definitely affect my current work schedule. Am not certain what is ahead but if it requires me to give up working during this period, I think it is a worthwhile choice, for I know I can never earn this period back. I do not want to look back in regret, if my boy's slow development hindered him from entering main stream school at the standard age for children his age. I am positive that with more time spent with him, it will foster our bonding. I am already seeing it! Yesterday, I fetched him to and fro his childcare centre for an assessment test at the hospital. When my husband and I fetched him (and his sister) from the childcare centre at the end of the day, instead of bypassing me to run towards his daddy, he ran towards me to hug me! :D While it is common that my son relegate me to second-class whenever his father is around, I think I can work towards having equal footing, if not, better footing, with my son. 

Life's Transitions

The past 2 years (and counting towards 3 years!) had passed like a whirlwind. In between, I had brought 2 children into the world. With the addition of my boy and not long after, my girl, my life has also changed. Motherhood however had proved to be tougher than I thought. Before this, I had envisioned myself being a full-time mother when my kids are still in their formative years. Having lived overseas without the typical support (mothers and maids) like in Singapore, my first year with my boy had not been as easy. Now that my boy is 3 years old, I somehow found myself at times recalling bittersweet memories when he was still small and I was a fresh mother then. Bitter 'cos I felt trapped since I have to be responsible for someone 24/7 and could no longer go and do as I please. Sweet 'cos those times passed so quickly and I reminisced those precious moments of joy with him. Now, his father's closeness with him has surpassed mine. I guess the difference boils down to the daddy playing with him more and being much more attentive towards him (at times too accommodative, to the point of pampering – that is my opinion). When I was pregnant with my girl, my boy was still in his first year. Somehow, I became an emotional wreck as time goes by. Was unsure if I could blame it totally on the hormones or perhaps it was simply too stressful being alone taking care of a growingly active boy and having to juggle housework and a growing tummy. Thankfully, after some persuasion, hubby agreed to let me return to my home country where I stayed with my mother, who took delicate care of me. We also hired a helper to care for my boy and helped out with chores at home. My pregnancy period after that was a lot less stressful, though I was still quite sensitive compared to my prior-pregnancy days. Thankfully, my girl's delivery was a lot smoother than my boy. While pregnant with my boy, I was not aware that I had to exercise due care as I had placenta previa. Due to poor advice by the overseas gynae, I walked a lot more than I should, which resulted in bleeding. I bled a total of four times, with the last time while warded in hospital where I was under order for bed rest. For safety reasons, I delivered my boy not long after. He was 34 weeks when he entered this world. A premmie, but thank God, his size and weight were good. My girl's pregnancy and delivery were smoother, except for the hormonal and mood swings. I returned to the workforce 3 months after my girl's delivery. I recalled the call came and I turned up for the job interview with my tummy still swollen. It was only one week after I had my caesarian delivery. My family needed some financial security then. I got the job. So, I did not get to spend quality time with my little girl during her baby years. My domestic helper and hubby did. Hubby was a stay-at-home-dad for over a year. Mom-in-law was also staying with us then. She has since gone home to be with the Lord. And so, we also sent the maid off. Soon, hubby rejoined the workforce too. Our little girl was getting more "out of hand" and I saw the stress hubby was undergoing having to care for a persistently demanding and crying baby. Hmm... that seemed to sound familiar of what I had gone through? We sent our girl to infant care when she was 16 months old. It took her a few weeks to get used to it. Gradually, she started to enjoy going to school. She even started to achieve some milestones. I commented to hubby that if I were the one who was full-time taking care of her at home during this period, she probably would not have learnt to walk. Hubby readily agreed!