Struggles as a Mom

You commonly read that mothers tend to feel guilty and struggle more (than fathers). I guess it is fair to say that my heart does not tug as hard as compared to hubby when it comes to our children. However, that does not mean I love them less. It is humbling and sad when I see my kids choosing to go to their father instead of me when they see both of us together, or they rejoiced and ran towards the door upon seeing daddy returned home, whereas for mummy, it was a mere look that suggested acknowledgement from where they were playing. I guess perhaps I have not been as participative in their basic caregiving and spending time with them. Given that I am more task-oriented, I tend to take on the cleaning aspects while I let hubby take on tasks like showering the kids. There had been times I told hubby that I want to shower the kids but more often than not, after the bath, I ended up having to do double work i.e. clean up the kids' dinner aftermath, as hubby had unintentionally left some dirt unclean. Thankfully, an opportunity arose for me to build up my intimacy with my son. It came in the guise of a bad news – my boy is required to attend extra classes due to his slow development. A senior pediatrician from a local children hospital has recommended early intervention classes for him. I agree that intervention is more effective at this age. He is already 3 years old. Upon attaining 5 or 6 years of age, children's brains are quite formed and developed, which means it will be a lot harder (and late) for them to acquire new learning and catch up (on developments they should had attained when they were younger). Yes, it does require some sacrifices. Though I may not enjoy my current job scope as much as my previous ones (which were more 'adventurous'), I thank God that I get to work part-time so that I can have some sanity while balancing work with household demands. However, I have opted for an early intervention programme which will require my presence during my son's classes. Being with him will make a difference for him. I will also get to learn the useful tips, as well as impart the lessons to hubby when back home. My participation will definitely affect my current work schedule. Am not certain what is ahead but if it requires me to give up working during this period, I think it is a worthwhile choice, for I know I can never earn this period back. I do not want to look back in regret, if my boy's slow development hindered him from entering main stream school at the standard age for children his age. I am positive that with more time spent with him, it will foster our bonding. I am already seeing it! Yesterday, I fetched him to and fro his childcare centre for an assessment test at the hospital. When my husband and I fetched him (and his sister) from the childcare centre at the end of the day, instead of bypassing me to run towards his daddy, he ran towards me to hug me! :D While it is common that my son relegate me to second-class whenever his father is around, I think I can work towards having equal footing, if not, better footing, with my son. 

Life's Transitions

The past 2 years (and counting towards 3 years!) had passed like a whirlwind. In between, I had brought 2 children into the world. With the addition of my boy and not long after, my girl, my life has also changed. Motherhood however had proved to be tougher than I thought. Before this, I had envisioned myself being a full-time mother when my kids are still in their formative years. Having lived overseas without the typical support (mothers and maids) like in Singapore, my first year with my boy had not been as easy. Now that my boy is 3 years old, I somehow found myself at times recalling bittersweet memories when he was still small and I was a fresh mother then. Bitter 'cos I felt trapped since I have to be responsible for someone 24/7 and could no longer go and do as I please. Sweet 'cos those times passed so quickly and I reminisced those precious moments of joy with him. Now, his father's closeness with him has surpassed mine. I guess the difference boils down to the daddy playing with him more and being much more attentive towards him (at times too accommodative, to the point of pampering – that is my opinion). When I was pregnant with my girl, my boy was still in his first year. Somehow, I became an emotional wreck as time goes by. Was unsure if I could blame it totally on the hormones or perhaps it was simply too stressful being alone taking care of a growingly active boy and having to juggle housework and a growing tummy. Thankfully, after some persuasion, hubby agreed to let me return to my home country where I stayed with my mother, who took delicate care of me. We also hired a helper to care for my boy and helped out with chores at home. My pregnancy period after that was a lot less stressful, though I was still quite sensitive compared to my prior-pregnancy days. Thankfully, my girl's delivery was a lot smoother than my boy. While pregnant with my boy, I was not aware that I had to exercise due care as I had placenta previa. Due to poor advice by the overseas gynae, I walked a lot more than I should, which resulted in bleeding. I bled a total of four times, with the last time while warded in hospital where I was under order for bed rest. For safety reasons, I delivered my boy not long after. He was 34 weeks when he entered this world. A premmie, but thank God, his size and weight were good. My girl's pregnancy and delivery were smoother, except for the hormonal and mood swings. I returned to the workforce 3 months after my girl's delivery. I recalled the call came and I turned up for the job interview with my tummy still swollen. It was only one week after I had my caesarian delivery. My family needed some financial security then. I got the job. So, I did not get to spend quality time with my little girl during her baby years. My domestic helper and hubby did. Hubby was a stay-at-home-dad for over a year. Mom-in-law was also staying with us then. She has since gone home to be with the Lord. And so, we also sent the maid off. Soon, hubby rejoined the workforce too. Our little girl was getting more "out of hand" and I saw the stress hubby was undergoing having to care for a persistently demanding and crying baby. Hmm... that seemed to sound familiar of what I had gone through? We sent our girl to infant care when she was 16 months old. It took her a few weeks to get used to it. Gradually, she started to enjoy going to school. She even started to achieve some milestones. I commented to hubby that if I were the one who was full-time taking care of her at home during this period, she probably would not have learnt to walk. Hubby readily agreed!

Changes...

Changes...... Indeed I have been experiencing much physical changes during the past months. Soon into my 22nd week of pregnancy, I have certainly lost my better body shape. Hubby would always correct me by saying that I am pregnant, not fat, whenever I looked at the mirror and commented on how fat I have grown! Well, while I know what hubby said is factual, I guess being a woman, I am just being conscious of how I look!

Having said that, I am happier with the impending arrival of my baby than the 'physical sufferings' I am going through now. Well, in fact, I have much to give thanks for! Cos I have not experienced any of those unpleasant symptoms of pregnancy like morning sickness or leg cramps (hubby got some of that though! :p ); the difference for me so far are only occasional heartburn and the tendency to get tired if I am outdoors for too long, and of course my bigger shape now... but well, it's not so bad as compared to what I know could happen to a woman during her pregnancy!

Right now, I am just happy to be feeling the movement of my baby now and then. Sometimes, after feeling my baby's movement, I will just watch my tummy in anticipation of my baby's next move :D It's such a cute and wonderful feeling! Tomorrow, I will be going for a scan on my baby's organs development. I look forward to seeing how my baby has grown and to have the doctor ascertain the gender of my baby. During my 12th week of pregnancy, the doctor informed that my baby is likely going to be a boy. Though he was 95% confident, he cautioned us against rushing out to buy clothes and baby stuff... Haha... I couldn't resist since the yearly sale will end soon around that time. Well, I never bought that much anyway :]

I thank God for this baby. God has been so good and faithful. Often times, well meaning people have told me to conceive and not wait, or else I might not have children when I think I am ready... To me, God always know me best and I don't see that he will 'punish' me by withholding children from me due to my lack of faith in trusting Him to have kids when I am not ready... God has been great in providing for hubby and me the past years... and faithful to meet my 'conditions', so that I can have the confidence to try for children. God is incredibly gracious. Though He has given us the name for our child some 2 years ago, He waited for us to be ready... He first revealed the name to hubby, and later to me when I reached a stage where I was more ready to try (but not without having the 'conditions' met first so that I will not fear or lack faith to try). At a time when both hubby and I are in agreement and ready, He blessed us. I thank God that hubby and I don't have to struggle at all to conceive. Thus, looking ahead, I will trust God to see me through this pregnancy, the delivery process as well as bringing up this child! For He loves this child enough to think of him and have given him a name, even when we (the stewards He is entrusting us to take care of this child) were not ready yet then. God is indeed faithful!

Given that I am going into my final trimester soon, I will be heading back to my home country in Singapore to settle down and deliver my baby. I trust the medical support back home more than here in Dubai, as well as the family support I can count on, being a first-time mom. My family has been very welcoming and anticipative of my return. Thank God for family members like this!

With 2 more weeks left in Dubai (and not knowing if I will return), I guess I have no regrets coming here. Not just because of the exposure in living outside of Singapore or in a Muslim state or a prosperous place the world has heard so much about, but more so, the greatest benefit for me during the past 2 years in Dubai has been cementing a firmer relationship with hubby, settling our finances in a better place and ta-da... starting a family! Initially I have some apprehension in giving up my beloved career but looking back, I know I have made the right choice.

As for Dubai, I will miss the friends made here, as well as the church life here. Ironically, hubby and I enjoyed our church life here more than back home! Yes, there are downsides here, like rude people and drivers, bad traffic (and ever changing lanes as if designed to cause accidents), the heat during summer peak, lack of the wonderful food back home, seemingly unfair regulations and the hopeless administration here...... However, there are also the good here that I will remember and appreciate... like the winter period cool that Singapore never have, toilets that are clean, posh and require no queue, more opportunities to dine at restaurants (since price differ only slightly as compared to food courts), as well as the abundance of interesting buildings (some castle-like hotels like Atlantis, the surf board architecturally shaped Burj Al Arab, Wafi's paramid struture, the extravagant and grand golden Emirates Palace Hotel, the heritage-like buildings at Souk Bahar and Mardinat Jumeriah, as well as the famous Palm Jumeira and Burj Khalifa).

Well... am not sure at this point in time if home is the next long term 'stop' after my baby's arrival... or whether God will open doors for us to go to another part of the world for hubby's work, or to return to Dubai. Whatever changes ahead, I trust that God is ahead of us and may He lead us onto his paths of green pastures, still waters and His righteousness!

Good News

It has been almost 3 months of my tai-tai days. I do enjoy this break. Have been able to catch up on my reading and take my time to surf the net. Still have not get around to viewing all the movies and HK drama serials videos but am starting to. I always thank God for the luxury of being able to wake up in the morning whenever I like, without having to go through the morning rush of going to work, and certainly the unhurried time I have in reading His word each morning.

I have been more active in church as well. Been attending the Ladies Groups weekly Meetings. Basically, there are 2 groups - Asian (mostly Chinese) and Ang Mos. These ladies are all wives of working husbands, and they themselves either have children to look after or are not working. I continued to attend the Healing & Restoration Room, as well as the Life Group every week with hubby.

Sometimes while walking around in malls (especially when wondering if I was wasting my time away or starting to feel bored), I suddenly realised how blessed I am - to be able to not work and be financially stable, to be able to shop during those hours and not having to shover with the weekend crowds. I thank God for blessing hubby in his job. Though Dubai is debt ridden, yet God kept hubby in his job.

As a matter of fact, I almost return to my ex-company to work. They wanted me back after learning that I will be staying in Dubai for still some time. However in the midst of it, they faced financial challenges from the developer (which is typical in Dubai nowadays) and decided to cut back on manpower costs. Well, maybe it's God's will for me not to return.

So, is that good news or what? The good news is not about job, though I did manage to attend more interviews than previously in Dubai. The good news which I discovered days ago, is that I am now pregnant! Earlier on, I was musing with a friend about whether I might be pregnant. She said that if I am expecting, this would be the best Christmas gift! Another friend even calculated the dates and said on the day I celebrated my birthday in December, I was already pregnant! Never quite thought of that...

God is so good. Hubby and I just started family planning a few months ago. Though God has given us a name for our child a year or so ago, He has been gracious to wait for us to be ready and can't wait to pour forth His blessings, long prepared for His beloved children.

Now, perhaps God did have a plan for me not to work during this period after all! :D

An Overdue Entry

I am amazed that people actually still visit this blog! Yes, Mary, as you have said, I am more into FB than blogging these days.

Indeed, there had been some updates in the past recent months. The biggest update is that I have quit my job. I wanted to join hubby as he prepared to relocate to another state for work. I was also tired of being asked to take on work that primarily should be undertaken by colleagues. When a colleague told me that he kept coming to me (for work stuff) because he had been told by 2 senior staff to approach me, if he wants to get things done right and fast, I was not sure to be flattered or upset about it! Even on my last day at work, my big boss said he would have asked me to follow up on a task (which is another colleague's primary work), if not for me leaving (and not being available to follow up after that). Surely there should be some fairness to me? I can only conclude that it is difficult to work happily in a team where your colleagues are either lazy or keep making mistakes at work, plus bosses do not step in to correct the unfairness.

After my decision to quit, hubby's office informed that he would not be relocated to the other state after all. However, there are a few options for him in consideration. There had been talks of him going to that state after all, or to remain in Dubai, or to relocating to another country. Am still awaiting confirmed news on that.

In the meantime, I am enjoying my time catching up on my reading, watching TV and movies, surfing and going out with friends. What was more enjoyable was the Paris holidays I have gone on with hubby right after I left my job.

Well, hopefully good news will come soon from hubby's office. Then, you will see me on blog again!

1 Year Anniversary

It's been a year since I relocated to Dubai. Yes, my 1 year anniversary in Dubai - if I can call it that way.

Recently I was at the airport to fetch someone. The heat and humility reminded me of the first time I arrived in Dubai, when I stepped out from the airport into the open. This is my 2nd summer here. Time flies.

It's been a while since since I blog! Wonder anyone would still come to this page these days after not seeing any new updates repeatedly. Ha!

The biggest change during the last 6 months is that I am driving on the roads now :) That I would say is probably my biggest achievement in Dubai, considering that even friends with driving licenses in their own countries could not pass the local tests at their first attempt (and some requiring more than 3 tries) while I was able to, by the grace of God, cleared my test at my first try. Thank God too for saving money for me! The day I got my license, it was also my last day of the gek-sim (aka. frustrating) administrative system at the driving school. I can still recall being angry at the verge of tears at the way they do things there.

Dubai is infamous for their accident rate, largely attributed to the high speed and roundabouts. Cross junction traffic lights are rare here. My take is that due to the constant construction, roads get changed quickly and some were managed quite badly, that it appeared designed to create accidents! With the recent implementation of speed cameras, I believe the number of accidents had been reduced. However, today's papers revealed that the count of speed fines in the last 6 months was a 6 digit figure. Still, it beats the 3 digit death statistic caused by traffic accidents within a 6-month period last year.

I thank God for His protection on the roads. Have lost count of how many times He has watched over me! Hubby and I agreed that my driving style has been 'dubaified'. Can't beat them, join them... but safety is still number 1 priority. Losing some face and suffering some indignity is still better than losing your life or money over car repairs. In Dubai, once your car is hit, you have to file a police report by law. Quite troublesome so can pass it.

So, for the last quarter,
No more queue for taxi and enduring of the heat or cold out in the open :)
No more endurance of bad attitude or weird taxi drivers under bo-bian circumstances :)
No more harrassment from bo-liao men while waiting for public transporation :)
Able to listen to my type of music and messages in the car, versus listening to Indian or Pakistani loud music
Able to arrive home earlier! As early as 6.30pm, compared to as late as 9pm previously :)

Hallelujah!!!!!!

Exodus

December had been a slow month. Most of the holidays of the year are 'concentrated' in that month. Being year end, it is also a month when people travel out of the country for holidays. For me, I enjoyed not having to wait long at taxi queues. Nevertheless, I have wondered if the turnaround was solely because of the holiday period or is it due to people leaving the country brought about by poor economy...

Recent local news reported that about 3000 people left Dubai after losing their jobs. Some had abandoned their vehicles at the airport, leaving behind months of unpaid installments. Personally, I have also witnessed more than a few cases of people caught in awkard positions while changing jobs, or being given the termination. Most took it badly. Some portrayed a strong front. Whatever it is, I think it is not easy to face such situations and hope all things turn out well for each of them eventually.

January came. The taxi queue grew longer at times. However, the wait was not that long these days. I was able to arrive back from work for as much as an hour earlier! :D

Traffic at the infamous Sheikh Zayed Road has also been more of a breeze. Not that there is no jam anymore. Jams still happened whenever there road accidents occured. However, it was not like standstill like before.

Guess that's good news for public commuters like me! Taking driving lessons currently. Pray that I can obtain my license in good time!!

Year End Thoughts

Today is the last day of 2008. Yours truly is blogging in the last 2 hours towards 2008.

This year has been a year of huge changes for me. It was also special. In terms of career, I had my sense of fulfillment as I was recognised for my work, which I had been preparing to do in a deeper context for years. Being involved in the transformation of the lives of people was beyond monetary satisfaction. It was also in some ways personal discovery and also appreciation for different aspects which my mind had not conceived of previously.

It was unfortunate that I had only a year to enjoy it. Despite being given the "privileged" green light to continue, I had to make the difficult choice to leave my work behind. It was certainly not easy but yet I know, the right thing to do.

Thus, I uprooted from Singapore and left for Dubai to join hubby, who came earlier to work since April. 6 months had passed and I am still around. Yes, I had my complaints of the maddening traffic and the summer heat. Sometimes, I had came to the stage to laugh about it, even the bad customer service standards here. However, I always thank God and even gave affirmations to those service providers who provided good services. Hopefully, positive strokes will encourage them to keep up the good service and cause a rippling effect?!

It was not easy to find a similar job here at Dubai. After some vain attempts, I had to adjust my expectations to take on jobs that are not as appealing. Did not quite think that I would be working in a construction sector! Nevertheless, it feels good to know that I am part of the booming construction sector in Dubai... In future, I will be able to tell my children and grandchildren that their mother/grandmother had been a part of Dubai's countless and interesting structure buildings :)

Having said that, I do miss my work prior to coming to Dubai. A lot... :I Well, guess there are seasons in life. I will be back, I know for sure. Someday......

Have taken up driving classes. After some ding-dong-ing due to the frequently wrong and inconsisent information system here, I had at last embarked on my journey towards attaining a driving license! Thank God that my instructor is encouraging and of a good temperament. That makes learning easier.

Today, I encountered yet another episode of crazy traffic. Wanted to return at 4.30pm from a mall (it's easiest to get cabs from shopping malls) but the queue today was incredibly long! Was it due to new year's eve? I detoured to wait for cabs out in the road but in vain. Even for the 2 buses that came, I was unable to board. Mentally and physically exhausted, I decided to go for an early dinner to replenish my energy. Thought the queue at the mall taxi stand would be shorter but boy, it was even longer! Never seen so many rounds of snake queue... Still, I thank God that I had my iPod and book for company, and that the queue was half an hour, not longer... if not, I might have killed someone! >:( The time I finally board a cab was 7.05pm.

The purpose of the 'detour' from today's topic was to reinforce my point: I NEED a license! Really don't wish to be victimised by the traffic situation again. I can pass my driving test... I will pass my driving test... I must pass my driving test! Apart from being freed from the traffic burden here (being stuck in Dubai typical traffic jam is the lesser evil of being stuck in a place where you cannot go anywhere), having a license will be handy in the future.

As for family, I realised that my mom missed me a lot. I kinda feel bad of being away...... *sigh* but I have to be with my husband. Prior to leaving, I know I will be missing the growing up years of my nieces. Nevertheless, am glad that at least I see pictures of their development. Siblings, keep those coming in! My sister's girl is looking more and more like her, whereas my brother's girl is getting prettier by the day.

:)